angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
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Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
the simulation is moving too fast
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.