My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
You Might Also Like
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Great game to play with friends
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.