#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
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But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.