[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
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Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please