If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
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Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds