Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
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Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake