Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral