Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.