If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
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Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
What the hell happened here.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I’m confused about plants
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target