I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
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GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
life finds a way
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location