If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
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Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
bout dat hot dog summer
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then