My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
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I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My neck my back my allergy attack
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.