I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.