The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
and now we wait
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Care for your back
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Does beer think about me too?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin