These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not