Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Extremely relatable.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*