“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.