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My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both