I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
A short story about romance.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?