Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Not messing around
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I need better friends
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Good Morning.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
twitter users today:
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?