Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
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*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Fidel Castro was alive?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos