Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.