The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
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my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential