Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit