Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
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“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.