“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁