Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
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The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
i- i did not expect this
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.