Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
yeah 😭
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing