*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
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Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it