My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.