[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore