Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
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Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT