Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
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A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
God has abandoned us.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.