I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
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imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
#ProTip
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.