I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me: