Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”