Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Chemical wingman
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.