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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.