DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?