It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️