cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.