The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
(yawn)
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted