In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.