can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan