The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.