Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
the prophecies have been fulfilled
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.