10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
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I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
repaired
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage