Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening