I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
🔦🌙👣
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.