Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book